On the Summer Solstice: Finding out What Light You Are

Photo by Sarah Shull on Unsplash

Have you ever gotten so excited about an idea that pops into your head that you immediately think it’s a good one? It’s so good, in fact, that you think you are supposed to stop everything else that you are doing to let the idea percolate and manifest itself

Well, I have. The idea of doing a book club for the Black Women at Home Project swept over me in one afternoon. I picked books, picked dates, and designed graphics all in a day’s work. Then, I pushed publish on the website for the virtual events to go live a day or so later. If you follow the BW@H Facebook page or group, you may have seen a post about the series. Well, I have canceled it.

Maybe you’re thinking, that’s good, I wasn’t going to make it. Or, phew! Girl, your selections weren’t that interesting. Or, darn it! I saw that and was looking forward to the one in October! Whatever you may be thinking (or not, because you didn’t even know this was a thing), I want you to know why I decided to cancel it.

There are two live energies in me that often feel at odds with one another. Perhaps they are Yin and Yang. Generally, my default is all that Yin — quiet, solitude, a preference for 1-on-1 conversations over group activities, moving slowly, layering in sweaters and blankets, going with the flow — like water. Then, from time to time I get surges of energy that inspire me to host a New Years Eve party with 40 people at my house, push like the wind against everything to do what I said I would, and rock with Spirit to create a delicious meal, crochet a scarf in a day, or write with keen devotion until my fingers hurt.

My Yang was strong when I designed the book club series. I wanted to hold space, live in the warmth of the summer months with others (even virtually), and believed that I would be hype to do the work of saying, “Come on, y’all! Register for this! Buy this book! Tell me what you think!”. That’s the work of marketing, promotion, getting things out there, shining a bright light on the thing you believe others will want too. However, the days leading up to this one — Summer Solstice — have been challenging. I’ve been struggling with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and something just being off about trying to do this book club series now.