Ego, get out of here! Share your gifts
Not even 2 months ago, I ended my four-year tenure as executive director of a small non-profit that did a very niche thing — co-op business development in Philadelphia. Now I’m spending time trying to rest, reflect and figure out what comes next professionally.
Some of that reflection has involved me grappling with the possibility that whatever I do next, I will likely have to engage in some kind of branding and marketing strategy for it to be successful. I will need to share more about, well, me — my story, what I’ve accomplished, and how I can help other people with my skills and experience. Quite honestly, thinking about designing a website “about me” or needing a social media presence scares the hell out of me. It puts me nearly into panic.
I know this feeling well. As an executive director, you’re invited to give interviews, speak at public events, meet with and convince “very important people” (i.e. elected officials, funders, etc.) that your organization is worthy of their attention and investment. As the formal outward-facing representative of the organization, I did a lot of this. I also created and led workshops, mentored and coached others in the field, and even on my time off from work, was constantly in a position to share about the work.
However, I didn’t share my efforts and their impact with many people — including family and close friends — out of fear of being labeled as conceited or self-absorbed, along with a healthy dose of imposter syndrome. I abhorred what I thought was self-promotion. As the leader, whether success or failure comes for your organization, you (personally/professionally) rise or sink with that boat. I sure didn’t want to possibly let others know that it could all sink, so I didn’t let them know when it was rising either.
What do I mean? Well, let’s take how I used my Facebook account as an example. Over 4 years, I estimate that I did at least 100 of these outward-facing engagements. I combed through my Facebook account to see how many times over those 4 years I shared something about one of these public-facing things — press, workshops, podcasts, etc. The grand total is 12 (twelve) times. So, 88 times that someone could have been impacted by something I shared, that connection was not made because I was too scared.
In 2020 when we finally hired someone who could do communications work instead of me, I was so relieved. It meant that I could also stop posting on the organization’s social media platforms, e-newsletter anything that identified me as a a speaker, guest, something I said in a quote, etc.
Now, that’s not to say that the organization had no promotion. The work has reached and impacted so many people, including the ideas I offered and accomplishments I made happen. That reach happened because other staff members, colleagues, partner organizations, and other people interested in the work did the promotion.
Where does this sham-merie of self-deprecation really come from? Is it real? Am I really living that on the humble? Girls are often raised to do well, be of service, and, strive not to be noticed for it. I was told “there’s always someone out there better than you” and “don’t be conceited” many times when I tried to let my little light shine as a girl. And I get why women in my life said these things to me.
I learned that the best way to show my value was to just do well. Others would see it, somehow know it was me, and together we could share in the reward of lessons learned and tasks accomplished. To some extent, I think that has been true for me. That’s a huge risk though. I hid behind my peers and others to shine the light. Yet, as Sarah Cy wrote in her article How to Promote Yourself When You Hate, Fear, Loathe & Despise Self-Promotion, “people need to KNOW about good things before they can let those good things help them.” Afraid that I would be bragging too much, letting my ego get the best of me, how many people didn’t I let know about too many of the good things?
Cy also wrote, “Self-promotion is not about you…Someone out there needs you. Your idea. Your product. You are unique in all the world — in all of history — and the thing you have to offer, whatever it is, is something ONLY YOU can do, something that will serve someone’s need.”
All of these years I’ve been thinking about how to protect myself from critique, shame, or being found out that maybe I’m just not that good at this work, and really what I was doing was allowing my ego to run ramshod all over the good I actually was offering. I denied others the opportunity to learn from me, to get the gem that they needed, because I was thinking about my own self-preservation.
While I thought I was avoiding being a jerk, I was being a jerk in a whole other way! Well, a little time with yourself does help you see things through a different lens. Now that I know that my misguided fears potentially blocked someone else’s gift and need, I am going to practice how to turn my light way up.
It isn’t and has never been about me at all. We are each placed here to fulfill some kind of purpose that is connected to the well-being of others. When we hide and play small, we disallow someone else from getting their shine, what’s needed to help them be illuminated.
This shrinking is a habit. I’m going to try to break it.
